I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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