Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
