If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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