I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Also, beer. Big fan.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
