um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
