who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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