I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
