Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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