I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
