I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
