My friends, they love my intelligence
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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