she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
