Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
