hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
false alarm, still single
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
