I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
There are leaves in my underwear?
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