If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
