chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
