I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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