I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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