Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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