I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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