I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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