First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
