She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
