OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Found the puke drawer
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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