have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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