Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
