Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
