If i come over, it means nothing
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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