so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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