if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
