Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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