I cut my penus on the lid.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
