If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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