Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
