You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
