Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
