Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
