I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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