have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
