four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
