as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
