Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
