can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
