I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
