Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
