god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize