I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
