i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
