my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
