every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
