i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize