tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
