Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
