I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Randomize
