I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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