don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Two words: nipple clamps
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