She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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