we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize